Risk, Responsibility and emotional vulnerability -

In the BDSM world, we take risks. This seems like such an obvious thing, why bother mentioning it? We consent to letting people, sometimes strangers we've just recently met, beat on us with strange devices, poke us with sharp things, order us about, and all sorts of other various and sundry fun things. These are, to me, the most obvious risks. These are the risks I hear people talking about. You could fall, you could get nerve damage, you could get hit in a way that causes harm, you could get an infection, et cetera. These are all valid points, of course, and not things we should scoff at or take lightly. I notice two things about this particular class of risks. First, these are physical risks. Second, these are risks that most directly affect the bottom(s) involved. I want to talk for a moment about a non-physical risk, on both sides of the coin.

I believe that in BDSM, the greatest risks we take are often emotional risks. While this is more readily apparent in longer term relationships, I find the same holds true for casual play. I would have a hard time believing someone who told me that a flogging (just for example) is a purely physical experience. I've had casual play partners warn me, ahead of time, 'I might wind up crying. I understand if you don't want to play (tonight or forever) because of that.' I often get a sense that it's okay to beat someone you just met with a heavy leather instrument, or put needles in their chest, or light them on fire, or hang them from a ceiling with treated, conditioned, washed, singed, abused rope, but oh dear gods don't make them cry! Don't elicit strong emotions! Orgasms are just dandy, but tears are strictly frowned upon? It's okay to stand naked before someone you just met, but we have to wear emotional burkas? No, this stuff is best left behind locked doors, between people who've been partnered together for at least 17.5 years, and only when the sun and the moon are visible at the same time. Only then can you dare embark on the scary, danger fraught journey that is emotional release!

Yes, it's a risk. It can be a big risk, for both partners, and it's not one I suggest you take lightly. But do, please, realize that it IS one of those risks. You may not always get the aftercare you need. Your partner may need more aftercare than you can give. It's a scary place, one's own mind, and we are very careful what bits of it we let others see. I appreciate this. I understand that it's often too big a risk for either side. Many tops just don't want the burden, as well. Do yourself a favor, though. Be honest with your playmates, especially in this arena. I can't tell you how many times someone has told me when recounting a scene that went seemingly well, "I don't know what happened, I was just a big ball of emotional goo at the end of that scene, and they didn't even notice... (or something similar)" If you, as a bottom or a top, get to the end of the scene and you need a bit extra aftercare, don't just settle for what usually works and move on. Sometimes it can't be helped, sure, but if it can? Get what you need. Don't let go. Don't try to just suck it up and deal; there was a risk, both partners took it, now it's time to be responsible with the result. As a top, if you elicit a heavy emotional from your partner, even if you didn't expect it, you have a responsibility to them. Take care of them as best you can. There's no arithmetic formula that results in a scene to aftercare ratio. It isn't something you can plan ahead of time. Even scenes that are specifically meant to be cathartic scenes can have widely varying aftercare needs.

As always, Caveat Emptor.