More on experience

Found via a link in a friend's lj, I had to link this here.

After you've read it, you will know me better -- this is where I go with flogging. In fact, this is where I go in most of my BDSM experiences.

I fight constantly to feel, to be present in the moment, to focus on the physical self, to be here now. Flogging helps me to do this. Once I am entirely present, I no longer worry about appearance or the messy chemical soup of emotions and surface tension in my head -- I can start to see more of Who I Am. As Burroughs would say, I can "listen down into myself" and hear the echo coming back.

THIS is where I go, when my Master and I go to play at Crucible. I need it at least once a month and do best when I can have it every couple weeks or so. (Besides, it takes that long for the bruises to heal.)

I am so much a cathartic submissive that the mental depth I crave cannot be attained until after I've at least begun to have a cathartic release. I can flit along the surface or attain one of my limited repertoire of other altered states that fit into the greater category headspace, but until my amygdala's been hooked directly into my nerve endings, (leaving large portions of my cerebral cortex out of the equation,) I have a hard time attaining the deep, silent state with which I equate my "slave" headspace.

This post is just another waypoint in my lifelong love-hate relationship with the lump of matter inside my skull. Hope I haven't been too confusing.