New article - A view from the top

Greetings, folks! The first of hopefully many articles to come has just been posted. Please bear with me while I get the sidebar on the right updated to list out the articles, in the mean time you can use this link. There is no place in the article system (It's not much of a system at the moment, more of a template) to allow for comments, so please leave comments on this announcement post, if you'd like. This article deals with a question I get somewhat frequently, "What do you get out of being a top/dominant/whatever?" It took me three days to come up with an answer I feel comfortable putting out for public consumption. I hope you enjoy.

Acceptance: In Scene and In Practice

It's hard for me to describe my knowledge level here, because my life has been so wildly disparate a collection of meat experience and online liaison. When someone asks me, "How long have you been into the scene?" I have to cast about for an applicable response. The best I can do is this: I was familiar with the sensation of being in subspace long before anyone came into my physical proximity with so much as a bight of rope. Because of this, I struggle constantly with the labels, titles, and names for various states of being in the lifestyle. I may say D/s and mean B & D. The headspace is the same for me, and so I have a hard time realizing that others may need me to distinguish between the two.

Another facet of the struggle to grow into The Person I Want To Be is my long-term fight with self-image. (Hah, right? "Don't we all?" asks the peanut gallery.) I looked upon my first visit to a public playspace with a measurable amount of trepidation. Between my body weight and the many scars on the insides of my thighs, I felt almost paralyzed at the thought of showing myself to a bunch of strangers, especially in the uniquely-vulnerable position that a sub can find herself in during play.

Even at my debut event, the fall LF&P, I was entirely taken aback by the perceptible amount of acceptance in the scene. I didn't have to worry about being big or being scarred or being new. Nobody cared what I looked like, except that I looked happy. I've been complimented by strangers more in my several visits to Crucible than in my entire life previous.

You can't know how much that means to me.

I received an especially gratifying comment this past weekend at the BR Night at the Crucible. Niy put me in a loose karada of white cotton rope with miniature LED Xmas lights wrapped around it. Each set of lights ran on 4 AA batteries, with the battery packs tucked into the front of my panties. Aside from the multiple inquiries about how the lights were powered and where the batteries were stored, I got plenty of (very pleasing) long looks from the tops present (including Uncle Frazier, yay! Sexiest Dirty Old Man I EVER did see,) and from a bunch of the bottoms too. However, the nicest compliment I got was from one of the BR regulars. I was lounging on one of the couches in the former smokng lounge, legs stretched out, lights blinking and reading some book about the history of sex patents in the US. Said regular stood back and surveyed me, then told me "This is beautiful. A beautiful subby lounging on a couch in a classical pose, all comfy and tied up in her festive Christmas bondage, reading a book. This should be a poster or something."

I suck at accepting compliments, and this one was so nice and so uplifting that all I could really do was smile and babble something pleased-sounding that may or may not have been English.

Additionally, I got to snuggle with another non-busy subby who I'd spoken to in introduction only a half hour or so before.

I love this level of acceptance. I love that I get to experience it, and that I know that it extends to all within the scene.

I only wonder what's wrong with the world that one has to be part of a niche social group on the fringes in order to feel it. There are people on this earth that will never feel the kind of warmth and regard that I felt this weekend from a pair of relative strangers.

Tops and Masters and Doms, Oh my!

There are a lot of entries in the BDSM lexicon, and I'd like to add one more. We have lovely words like top, bottom, master, dominant, submissive and slave. The problem to me lately is, none of them ring true to me any more. I'm not so certain that any of them ever did. I've often described myself as a dominant tending switch, but that's just too many words that mean a lot of things to different people. Well, to hell with all that. I've picked a word that works for me. I am an artisan. Artisan seems to describe best what it is I do, and why I do it. In it's most common usage, the word artisan refers to a craftsperson or artist who's creativity, knowledge of their trade, and ability with the tools of that trade lead to works of appreciable and/or functional art. Artisans, generally speaking, do what they do because they love it and it rings true to them, and after some practice and study, can do it well.

In my case, I can't paint a portrait on canvas. I can't carve a block of wood into a miniature boat. I'm not likely to be on the NY Times Best Seller list. Pottery just isn't my thing, either, and I'm not drawn to theatre. What I can do, however, is craft an appreciable experience. Many artisans choose to do their work in private and reveal the end result to world when it's ready. Performers are the common exception, in that the end result is crafted before the viewer's senses. The practice and readying is most often hidden, but the weaving of the end result is open to public consumption. That's where I fit in. I've always considered BDSM to be far more an art then a science. In carving or weaving or painting, if you make a mistake you can either cover it up or fix it or start over. In performance arts, if you make a mistake, you can lose your immediate audience and you open yourself up to poor reviews and all the loss that incurs. The risk of injury can be high in these arts as well, just consider a fire breather or trapeze artist. In BDSM, if you make a mistake or are uneducated in the risks inherent, the results can be disastrous, and that's never far from my mind. I can not, nor do I care to, explain why I am driven to do the things I do. I can not express in words what the drive is like to want to beat someone and make sure they love it, or bind someone and make sure it's a passionate experience for them, or play with fire and make it a connecting experience, etc. All I know is, I am driven to it, and I embrace that as a part of my life and who I am. I made peace with it, despite the common societal view toward it, and perhaps even in spite of it.

In many cases, my work has two audiences. The first, and most important, is the subject of my direct attentions. The person or persons on the recieving end of my flogger, my rope-work, or my commands. It is their experience that I try to craft, and it is there that my attention is focused. They have put themselves in my hands, and for that I am both grateful and humbled. As for the second audience, and this applies to when play is done in more public arenas, I find myself on occasion looking around to see who is watching. I wonder, in that moment when I'm switching tools or stretching or just looking over my work, if they're enjoying themselves as well. I wonder if they like what they're seeing. It's my ego catching up with me, I'm sure of it. I'm not ashamed to say I care what they think of my work. While it's no where near as important as what the person I'm playing with thinks, it's still a nice boost when someone complements you on what you do.

For those of you who are new to the world of BDSM, and you feel you have the calling of the artisan as well, a little advice. Learn your craft. Know your tools. Know your abilities. This goes for both tops and bottoms, as both can be described by this word. For you service bottoms, grace can be the difference between a relaxing tea service and something that transcends and puts your top way into headspace. For the masochists, breathing and relaxation techniques can help you stay in space and take more longer. For the sadists, practice can make the difference between a well bruised backside and damage to an internal organ. Rope-workers, know your rope's stretch, tooth, and strength. Negotiate, communicate, and educate. We all have more to learn. Oh, and while you're at it, don't forget to have fun. That's what it's all about!

BRXX

And reality settles in. It's been two days since we left BRXX, and things are starting to return to normal. My event headspaciness has fairly well waned, which took longer than I was prepared for. All in all I had a fantastic time. We spent a little more money than we should have, but we're not exactly pinched from it. Some minor budget shuffling and all is well.

I found my way into some pick-up play saturday evening, which was most excellent. It's unfortunate that I was cramped for time and had to get my car out of the garage by midnight (not to mention the drive back to Baltimore), because I would have liked to spend more time with the very nice and lovely (and bubbly/giggly/snuggly/omgyay) young lady before running off. We traded info and I look forward to playing with her again, if it's in the cards. I've only been back in the public scene for a few months now, and that bit of play was a very nice boost to my somewhat rusty ego. I'd been flying solo with Spiralsong in the scene department for a while now. Don't get me wrong, I love my Spiralsong very much, and we always have a blast when we play. It was nice to spread my wings though, and it's something I'll be more open to in the future now, more like how I used to be about it. I'd go so far as to say I was nervous about the idea somewhat, honestly. I pride myself generally on my performance and artistry (be it work, scene, whatever), and having only played with Spiralsong made me worried I'd not be able to read someone new the way I used to. Plus I'm a shy person in a lot of ways, but this event really helped pull me out of that. Let's see if it lasts.

Sunday was a bit of a bummer because that was the only day Spiralsong could come to the event, and we didn't get a chance to play there. We had a family function we had to attend in the evening, and the big playspace didn't open up until we had to leave. (Yes, I know there was a small playspace open, it was full when we checked.) The atmosphere was awesome though, and we both left in a very good place mentally. We did some shopping and some socializing, we did our volunteer shifts and tried to make the most of the time we had. My heart-felt thanks go to all the folks who's hard work made the event such an enjoyable experience for myself and Spiralsong, and for everyone else, too.

Welcome!

Welcome to the new OblivionAndLeather.Com. We have some lofty hopes for this site, so please bear with us as we make it all happen. Soon you should be able to find out which events Spiralsong and I will be at, find our personal contact info if you want to get in touch with us, and all sorts of other nifty stuff. In the mean time, if you want to get ahold of me, you can always do so at:
Niy (at) OblivionAndLeather (dot) com.
Thanks!